Sample Paragraph for Dialogue Revision
Paragraph
Shameka decided that she really deserved an allowance. She had never gotten one, and lots of her friends did. She talked to her dad. It started as an argument, but it ended up okay because she ended up getting an allowance, not as much as she wanted, but at least it was a start.
Dialogue Revision
“Dad, I need to talk to you,” announced Shameka.
“Honey, I’m really busy right now. Can it wait?”
“Actually, Dad, I've already waited for 13 years. I think we are way overdue for this conversation.”
“Wait a minute,” responded Dad. “I really don’t like being talked to like that. What’s your problem?”
“My problem is that I’m not getting any support from you and Mom,” Shameka yelled as she walked across the room and prepared to slam the door.
“STOP RIGHT THERE, young lady. You will not talk to me that way and you will not walk away.” Dad paused and then calmly asked, “Please, will you tell me what’s bothering you? Obviously, there’s something rather important. What do you mean that we don’t support you?”
“OK, Dad, I’m sorry,” apologized Shameka. “It’s just that my friends all get allowances and I don’t. When we go to the mall, I have to ask you for money. I want to have some money of my own that I can count on whenever I need it.”
Dad sighed and then he explained, “Shameka, Mom and I would really like to be able to give you an allowance. We know that your friends have more money than you do, but it’s hard for us right now. I will talk to Mom about it, but until I do, how about if I give you 10 dollars this week? Mom and I will discuss it, and we’ll see what we can do.”
“Well, Dad, 10 dollars really doesn’t go very far these days, but I guess it’s a beginning. Please, tell Mom how much I want it, and tell her I’ll do more around the house and that I deserve it, OK?” pleaded Shameka.
Dad laughed, hugged Shameka, and promised, “I’ll do what I can.”
*There are several things working well for the above dialogue revision. First, the author used varied dialogue tags. Some examples are: "announced" "responded" "yelled" "apologized" "explained." Second, the dialogue tags are specific and help the reader hear how this conversations sounds. The author also added some action in there. Shameka "walked across the room and prepared to slam the door." The best thing about this dialogue is that it does the two things dialogue MUST do: it forces some action and it reveals character. By reading this, I can get a good idea about Shameka, her dad and their relationship. I also get a little idea about who mom is. I mean, there's a reason why Shameka decided to talk to dad about this and not mom. This conversation forces action because after this dad needs to talk to mom and Shameka will be waiting for an answer. IF YOU DIALOGUE IS NOT PUSHING THE ACTION FORWARD OR REVEALING ASPECTS OF CHARACTER, DELETE IT!
Paragraph
Shameka decided that she really deserved an allowance. She had never gotten one, and lots of her friends did. She talked to her dad. It started as an argument, but it ended up okay because she ended up getting an allowance, not as much as she wanted, but at least it was a start.
Dialogue Revision
“Dad, I need to talk to you,” announced Shameka.
“Honey, I’m really busy right now. Can it wait?”
“Actually, Dad, I've already waited for 13 years. I think we are way overdue for this conversation.”
“Wait a minute,” responded Dad. “I really don’t like being talked to like that. What’s your problem?”
“My problem is that I’m not getting any support from you and Mom,” Shameka yelled as she walked across the room and prepared to slam the door.
“STOP RIGHT THERE, young lady. You will not talk to me that way and you will not walk away.” Dad paused and then calmly asked, “Please, will you tell me what’s bothering you? Obviously, there’s something rather important. What do you mean that we don’t support you?”
“OK, Dad, I’m sorry,” apologized Shameka. “It’s just that my friends all get allowances and I don’t. When we go to the mall, I have to ask you for money. I want to have some money of my own that I can count on whenever I need it.”
Dad sighed and then he explained, “Shameka, Mom and I would really like to be able to give you an allowance. We know that your friends have more money than you do, but it’s hard for us right now. I will talk to Mom about it, but until I do, how about if I give you 10 dollars this week? Mom and I will discuss it, and we’ll see what we can do.”
“Well, Dad, 10 dollars really doesn’t go very far these days, but I guess it’s a beginning. Please, tell Mom how much I want it, and tell her I’ll do more around the house and that I deserve it, OK?” pleaded Shameka.
Dad laughed, hugged Shameka, and promised, “I’ll do what I can.”
*There are several things working well for the above dialogue revision. First, the author used varied dialogue tags. Some examples are: "announced" "responded" "yelled" "apologized" "explained." Second, the dialogue tags are specific and help the reader hear how this conversations sounds. The author also added some action in there. Shameka "walked across the room and prepared to slam the door." The best thing about this dialogue is that it does the two things dialogue MUST do: it forces some action and it reveals character. By reading this, I can get a good idea about Shameka, her dad and their relationship. I also get a little idea about who mom is. I mean, there's a reason why Shameka decided to talk to dad about this and not mom. This conversation forces action because after this dad needs to talk to mom and Shameka will be waiting for an answer. IF YOU DIALOGUE IS NOT PUSHING THE ACTION FORWARD OR REVEALING ASPECTS OF CHARACTER, DELETE IT!
CREATIVE WRITING ACTIVITY #2
Now it's time for you to try this with a partner. Rewrite the scene (like the example above).
Make sure to use varied dialogue tags ("said" "replied" "screamed" "whispered" etc). Also, be sure to include action. Get the characters MOVING! Please write neatly because we will (if there is time) be performing this in front of the class.
Paragraph 1
Sam and Billy had been planning the surprise party for Jared for at least two weeks. They were excited that the day had finally arrived and that everything went smoothly. They had tricked Jared by asking him to shoot a few baskets, and then when they got to the gym, they made an excuse to go inside and check on something. When they went inside, everyone jumped out and yelled, “Surprise!” Jared was happy, and they all had a good time. It had been a success.
Paragraph 2
Tanya had not done her math homework last night, and she had hoped that Mr. Jackson would not find out. Sometimes he just went over it quickly without checking if everyone had done it. When she got to class, however, they went over the homework, and he called on her. She was embarrassed, and she told him a lie in front of the class to explain why she didn’t have it. She felt guilty after class, and she stayed after to tell him the truth.
Paragraph 3
Desiree received a phone call telling her that she had won a contest and had won a free trip to Disney World. At first she thought the call was from someone playing a joke on her, but finally they convinced her it was true. She was really excited and asked lots of question to get all the details.
Paragraph 4
Philip was having a difficult morning. He got into trouble on the school bus, and the bus driver yelled at him and all the kids laughed. Then when he got to school, his locker was jammed, and he had to get the assistant principal to unlock it for him. Just as he thought the day was going to be a disaster, the prettiest girl in the seventh grade stopped by to talk to him.
Paragraph 5
The neighborhood boys were playing baseball in the street. They were having a great time until Donte hit a fly ball that went right into the Robertson’s window. Glass shattered everywhere, and Mr. Robertson came out the door. All the boys ran, and Donte was left to explain and apologize to a very angry Mr. Robertson. After a long conversation, Donte agreed to pay for the window and to be sure it got fixed. Then Donte headed off to find his “friends.”
Make sure to use varied dialogue tags ("said" "replied" "screamed" "whispered" etc). Also, be sure to include action. Get the characters MOVING! Please write neatly because we will (if there is time) be performing this in front of the class.
Paragraph 1
Sam and Billy had been planning the surprise party for Jared for at least two weeks. They were excited that the day had finally arrived and that everything went smoothly. They had tricked Jared by asking him to shoot a few baskets, and then when they got to the gym, they made an excuse to go inside and check on something. When they went inside, everyone jumped out and yelled, “Surprise!” Jared was happy, and they all had a good time. It had been a success.
Paragraph 2
Tanya had not done her math homework last night, and she had hoped that Mr. Jackson would not find out. Sometimes he just went over it quickly without checking if everyone had done it. When she got to class, however, they went over the homework, and he called on her. She was embarrassed, and she told him a lie in front of the class to explain why she didn’t have it. She felt guilty after class, and she stayed after to tell him the truth.
Paragraph 3
Desiree received a phone call telling her that she had won a contest and had won a free trip to Disney World. At first she thought the call was from someone playing a joke on her, but finally they convinced her it was true. She was really excited and asked lots of question to get all the details.
Paragraph 4
Philip was having a difficult morning. He got into trouble on the school bus, and the bus driver yelled at him and all the kids laughed. Then when he got to school, his locker was jammed, and he had to get the assistant principal to unlock it for him. Just as he thought the day was going to be a disaster, the prettiest girl in the seventh grade stopped by to talk to him.
Paragraph 5
The neighborhood boys were playing baseball in the street. They were having a great time until Donte hit a fly ball that went right into the Robertson’s window. Glass shattered everywhere, and Mr. Robertson came out the door. All the boys ran, and Donte was left to explain and apologize to a very angry Mr. Robertson. After a long conversation, Donte agreed to pay for the window and to be sure it got fixed. Then Donte headed off to find his “friends.”